Idiosyncrasy In Family

Right now many of us are confined with our families. Our day-to-day routines were obliterated and we have to handle our time in news ways. However, I think this is a great opportunity for us to learn how to be idiosyncratic with our families.

Idiosyncratic means “a mode of behavior or way of thought peculiar to an individual”. Each of us has our own style of showing up in the world. We all have unique behaviors that work for us and roles that only we can fulfill (ex: being the best father for your children). Our job is to define what works for us and to learn how to do it unapologetically.

But being idiosyncratic with our family is tough. I’ve struggled with this every time I came back home. I got lost and forgot who I was. In today’s context, confined with our families 24/7, it is even more challenging to find time to work on ourselves and to continue showing up authentically.

This is why I wake up early every morning to write these articles. It is the only time when there is silence and I can focus. I decide to deliberately go to bed earlier than everyone else because writing is what lights me up.

Working on yourself, your energy and your purpose, sometimes means spending time by yourself. It may imply trade-offs. It means being open about your values, your needs, and what you are after in life. It’s overcoming the fears that you’re being selfish by spending time by yourself.

I still struggle with this but I’ve had some success too. Here are a few thoughts on how I approach idiosyncrasy with my family.

AM and PM Bookends

A good way to transition from your private time to the time spent with your family is to have solid AM and PM bookends. The way we start and end our days strongly influences our lives. Routines create rhythms and momentum that are essential for our balance. These parts of our days are usually the most controllable, whereas what lies in between is subject to change.

Think about what your ideal morning routine would look like. How would you like to end your days? Think about the habits that make you feel at your best. Or things you’ve always wanted to try, like meditation or journaling. Then, experiment and figure out what works, knowing that it will never be perfect.

This is how I start every day: I wake up early around 5:30, do some journaling, then I write for around an hour. I follow this by some breathing exercises, Qi-Gong and meditating. This makes me feel energized and grounded for my day. PM bookends allow me to wind down and reflect. I usually start with meditation, then an early dinner and a journaling reflection where I ask myself three questions: 1) What’s awesome? 2) What needs work? 3) How can I optimize? Finally, I try to hit the bed at 9:30.

The whole point here is that it is idiosyncratic, these routines function well for me. But we have all different habits that make us feel at our best. It is up to us to define what works and to do so consistently.

Be Honest and Communicate

I believe we should not be ashamed or private about the changes that happen in our inner journey. If we refuse to talk about these subjects this can create tensions in our relationships. We might abandon and reverse back to our prior behaviors. One solution is to be honest about these changes with our loved ones. Trust and confidence are built by being open and vulnerable.

After I came back from my year in China, I had changed quite a bit. I had a brand new set of values and behaviors. A whole baggage of new experiences. The problem was that I didn’t feel at my place at home anymore. The same happened with my last relationship. Some of the changes I made, like stopping alcohol, were too brutal. One way of overcoming this hurdle was for me tell them honestly how I had changed. I communicated what was important for me, like my needs and values. Doing so removed the shame I felt and helped me be myself with my family and my girlfriend.

Dynamic Flexibility

We are always evolving. Our daily circumstances change all the time. Every day is different. That is why our idiosyncrasy must be approached with dynamic flexibility. We should never be too structured nor too spontaneous. Imagine a river with too banks. On one side you have structure and on the other spontaneity. Our job is to make sure the river doesn’t flood over on one side. Too much structure and you become rigid. Too much spontaneity and you wind up in chaos.

In the context of a family, this means you need to adapt all the time. You have your ideal structure for the day and your perfect bookends. But then life happens. You don’t sleep well and miss your morning routine. Your daughter throws a tantrum and you lose your calm. The truth is, things will never go as we want them to. We have to accept reality and see how we can navigate it. After all, as Dan Siegel says “flexibility is the hallmark of healthy beings”.

Non-negotiables + #1 Self-care Habit

Sure, it’s important to be flexible. But there are some things we have to be firm about. Some behaviors require us to be strongly disciplined. These “non-negotiable” habits are the ones essential to our personal well-being. This can include things like sleeping for 8 hours, going for a run every day, or not watching TV after 10 PM.

Among them, we all have a #1 self-care habit, something we do that makes us feel at our best. I really encourage you to ask yourself this question: what’s the #1 thing you do when you’re most on? The thing that helps you ensure you have a great day? How can you make sure you do that every day?

For me, it’s meditating twice a day for an hour. With my ex-girlfriend this was difficult when we started living together. I meditated when she slept to have time with her. I was very firm on my daily meditations but flexible about when I would do them.

Embrace Your Idiosyncrasy

The key to being idiosyncratic with our family is to keep in mind that doing so will impact them in a positive way. Forget the idea that you are being selfish by taking time to work on yourself. If you meditate, exercise, sleep well, then you will be more present and energized with your loved ones. If you decide to pursue a path of virtue and service to others, you are demonstrating that to your children, your partner, and your siblings.

Remember, the best way to change people is to exemplify. When you show up in your own idiosyncratic way and are aligned with your best self, you are making the greatest contribution to yourself AND to your family.